Saying Good-bye

I started this post on those sad days in May when my grandma was getting ready to leave this earth. It was too new and fresh at the time and I just couldn't finish. I wish I would have made myself try because now I can't really remember all the details.

I think it was Wednesday 05/11/11 that the doctor visited and told my mom it was time to call the family. He said maybe a couple of days. It ended up being the following Wednesday night when she passed, but she was gone before that. I think her last conversation was Sunday morning and it was with my Uncle Rick. That week in May was the longest, most stressful week of my life. Everyday seemed like it was her last and I would trudge off to work and then rush over to her house after work.

I just sat and stared at her as she drifted in and out of concisusioness. I wished for words to come, questions to ask her or stories to tell her but my mind was blank. I just held her hand and looked at her.

We talked but her and I didn't need a grand goodbye or some epic, memorable conversation to say goodbye, because we were good. We were close. We shared the last year of Mondays together and talked about everything under the sun. She knew I loved her and I know she loved me.

We attempted some goodbyes that went like this:

Thursday night

Grandma: I miss you already.
Me: Don't worry I will see you tomorrow
Grandma: I am so tired
Me: I know, its late and time for bed (it was about 8PM)
Grandma: Is Rick coming?
Me: No, not tomorrow
Grandma: He needs to come
Me: Okay I will tell him. I love you, sleep good
Grandma: I love you too sweetie

Friday night
Me: I am gonna go. I will see you tomorrow
Grandma: okay, I will be here...maybe
Me: I love you (start to cry)
Grandma: Don't cry, its gonna be okay
Me: Okay
Grandma: At least this way I got to say good-bye. I love you sweetie.
Me: I love you too (practically sobbing now)

After those nights there wasn't much to be said. It was emotionally toiling as we waited... Some how I think she held on for the rest of us to make our peace.Broken relationships were mended that week and I know my grandma always wanted nothing more than for her family to get along.

I know its not goodbye forever but it just seems SO long until I will see her again. In the last days when she didn't talk much anymore I tried to think of things to say to her. I remember telling her I had heard (at Church from Pastor Lee) that in heaven Krispy Kremes hang from the ceiling and have no calories! She laughed a little. It was so hard the strong, vibrant, beautiful woman so weak and tired in the end. It hardly seems fair. She told me everyone has to go somehow and she was okay.

She was still feisty as always. I remember one day we were all outside talking on the porch and when we came in my grandma said, "I don't want to interrupt the party out there, but can I get some water." It was mean, just sassy like she could be sometimes.

I love her and miss her so much.

The night she passed away I woke up at 12:30 AM (around the time she passed) and I remember I was having a dream about her and when I woke up I was SO sad it was over, but couldn't remember what I had just dreamt about. Then my mom called me at 3:30 AM to tell me the news and I was even more upset I couldn't remember my dream. In the morning (like 7 AM) I called my brother. I didn't even have to say the words he already knew. The weirdest thing is he had a dream and woke up at 12:30 too..

Saying goodbye to someone who has always been a major part of your life is unbelievable hard, but I am thankful she wasn't taken suddenly where we couldn't have that one more hug and kiss on the check and one more I love you...